


Dancing and Dreaming

by sallyamongpoison



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Everyone is drunk and making great decisions, M/M, Pining, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 15:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15933536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallyamongpoison/pseuds/sallyamongpoison
Summary: In which, after the Hour of Honor in Hupperdook, Fjord watches Caleb and Jester dance and contemplates what might happen if he were to cut in.





	Dancing and Dreaming

The world was, as it ever was, upside down. Only this time everything was leaning horribly to the left, and he could hardly stand for how much he wanted to no longer be upright. Usually this came from being tired or hurt, something he couldn’t control, but tonight this had been his own doing. He had no one to blame but himself, and possibly Beau and Molly, for the fact that his vision swam and he wanted nothing more than to lie down. **  
**

Fjord had thought he was fine. Or, at least, he wanted to tell himself he was fine until he’d stood up, and the sudden rush of blood only made the alcohol in his system run through him faster. Of course he’d drank himself into a stupor before, naturally, but this felt different. This wasn’t the kind of drunk that happened because of fear or anger or pain. This was the kind of drunk that started with laughter and cheering, and ended with even more of the same. Too much. Much too much, and suddenly it felt like he was on a ship again and couldn’t get his sea legs for the life of him.

The Hour of Honor had been a great idea. He’d stand by that. Drunk as he was, that had been an exercise in something they were all needing. The swamps, the bird, the miles and miles of travel…they needed something fun. Now if only that fun didn’t come with a horrible sense of being far too drunk to really enjoy it. All the cheering and laughing and clapping each other on the back made him feel good. It made him feel better than the drink ever did, and he tucked that feeling away so that maybe he could call on it when he needed it again.

Time slowed. The cheering and music slowed. His mind was slow. Fjord had always considered himself to quick-minded and sharp, so the dullness of his senses was more than a little off putting. He didn’t like that part of it. Though he did like how things seemed to slow to match how he felt, and settled back in as he let himself feel just how drunk he really was. The others…they dealt with it all differently. He watched as Beau and Molly made their way upstairs, and he thought to join them. Sleep would be good. Though should another of those dreams where he was drowning happen now he might end up  _actually_  vomiting and it being less pleasant than sea water. Still, they had a job to do. He should sleep, and maybe he’d feel better…

The music began again. It wasn’t quite the lively stuff that had been playing during the contest, either. No, it was something else. Something Fjord didn’t know. He watched, yellow eyes half lidded and drooping, as Jester led Caleb onto the floor. They were smiling. Well, Jester was smiling. Caleb had that same look on his face that he often did when he wasn’t sure of what he was supposed to be doing with his body. Fjord knew that look well. They all did. But he watched as Caleb put one arm at Jester’s waist and the other wrapped in hers, and they  _danced_.

He was both too drunk and too unaware of how the fancier type people danced to know if what they were doing was right, but he watched as ginger and blue moved together across the dirty and worn floorboards. Fjord couldn’t look away. He wanted to. This felt like a moment he shouldn’t be seeing for some reason. It was a moment unlike any other he’d seen with any of them. A quiet moment. A quiet moment of two friends fumbling together with small smiles and private laughter.

Something in him burned. What it was, Fjord had no idea. What he did know, despite the fog in his mind and the way his body felt heavy, was that he didn’t like it. He frowned. His teeth ground together. One hand clenched in a fist, and he took two steps back just to give himself a bit more space. It was something sudden and sharp and hot, deep in his chest, and it made the rest of him feel that much more heavy and sluggish. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t take his eyes from them.

That one little moment. A moment that Caleb and Jester shared, that he was part of without them knowing, was enough to make him hurt on the inside. Something in him wanted to be there. He had no idea what his feet might do if he was, but he wanted to be. He wanted a warm hand in his, the feeling of a body against his own, and a small smile shared that was just for him. He wanted to be what made that smile happen. He wanted to see a brightness in those blue eyes that he hadn’t seen before.

And that made him stop. The whole world stopped. The music stopped, the chatter stopped, and for a moment it was like his breathing stopped. That was what he wanted. Fjord wanted to make someone  _happy_  just by being there and being what he was. He wanted someone to look up at him and genuinely  _like_ him. He wanted to feel that hand in his grip a little tighter and that body to move just a little closer to his own. He wanted to feel…wanted.

He took a breath. It was a heavy breath. It was the breath you took after being underwater for far too long. His lungs were sluggish and his heart pounded. The music and noise of the tavern filled his ears again, only this time it was deafening.  His body moved before he could stop it, and the space he got from those two steps back he’d taken was gone and then some as he made three strides forward.

_“Mind if I cut in?”_

_“I didn’t know you could dance, Fjord!”_

_“I can’t, but…you could teach me.”_

His mind was playing tricks on him. He could see the conversation happening even though he’d forced himself to be frozen where he stood. Fjord could see Jester’s smile and how she would look up at Caleb before taking a few steps back to mae room for Fjord’s frame. Caleb would be blushing. He’d be running a thin hand through his hair and try to stammer something about how he should see to Nott before going to bed. He could see it and he could hear it.

_“Alright, so give me your hand and put the other right here-”_

_“Uh…thanks, Jester, but…I didn’t, uh…”_

_“I’ll leave you to it. Thank you for the dance, Jester-”_

And then his heart would race, and Fjord knew he’d have to do something before this ended wrong. He could be so fucking charming when he wanted to be, but when he needed to be it seemed like he could never make the words come out right. Though he wasn’t moving, and he wasn’t actually having this conversation, Fjord could feel himself sweating under his clothes. He could feel the way his chest ached and his teeth ground together in the hopes that he could do this right.

_“Wait, Caleb…”_

_“Fjord?”_

He’d turn to Jester and smile. It would be an awkward smile because he could be so very awkward. One of his hands would gesture to Caleb, and he’d rock back on his heels just a little before stepping to the side so he could be closer to person he wanted to be his dance partner.

_“Maybe you could teach me?”_

And then Jester, in her way, would look between the two of them. She was so bright. She was so bright, but her expression would darken in confusion for just a moment. He could see the way her brows furrowed and her eyes narrowed. He could also feel the way Caleb stiffened beside him. Fjord didn’t need to look at him to know that the hand in his ginger hair would be clenched in a fist. But this was right. This was the right way.

_“Well…you two have fun then, okay?”_

Then they would be alone. Not alone. They would be in a crowded tavern as the music swirled around them. There would be too much space between them, and they would be mirrored in awkward stances where neither of them seemed to know what to do with their hands.

_“Jester would be the better teacher, you know. I’m…I’m not-”_

_“Caleb.”_

A beat of silence. A beat where Fjord would worry that the man in front of him would turn and go all because he’d made an ass of himself. His heart thundered in his chest, and suddenly it wasn’t all the booze in his stomach that made him want to be sick. His head was swimming, he found it hard to focus though he wanted to so very much, and he would open his mouth to make some excuse to go. And Caleb would let him, wouldn’t he?

_“So give me your hand, then. Ja, and…the other on my waist.”_

_“Someone told me I had two left feet once, so I’m sorry if I step on you.”_

_“You may have a few bruised toes too, after this, so we’ll call it even.”_

Caleb’s hand would be warm. His body would be warm too. They’d be standing just a little too far apart, further apart than he and Jester had stood, and people would be watching. They’d be watching a tall, green, half-orc trying to dance with a skinny, awkward, ginger human. And they’d wonder what the fuck was going on. Maybe someone would shout, but Fjord wouldn’t hear it. Maybe he wouldn’t even hear the music anymore. All he’d hear would be Caleb counting steps softly in Zemnian. Honestly, Fjord wouldn’t even know what number they were on if Caleb wasn’t gently guiding him in a rough box step together. It would be awkward. Maybe there would be mutual crushing of toes until they found a rhythm and gait that worked for them both.

_“You’re lighter on your feet than you look.”_

_“Nott isn’t the only student of things in our friendship. She’s far more…er, flexible than I am.”_

_“She’s teaching you how to be more coordinated?”_

_“Something like that. I think the words she used were ‘loosen the fuck up,’ but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s not Jester or Mollymauk rubbing off on her.”_

They would dance. At first it would be wide and awkward, but as they found their way maybe that distance would close a little and Fjord could feel a bit more of the heat that came off of Caleb. He would try to make himself remember what it felt like to have Caleb’s smaller hand in his and the way they swayed as they turned. He would be able to smell the crackle of arcane energy that always swirled around Caleb. Jester always said the man stank, but this close Fjord would only smell the road and maybe a bit of the alcohol they’d all consumed not that long ago. Maybe that would be why Caleb even danced with him. Maybe the man was too drunk to care. Yet, Fjord didn’t care. Maybe he was too drunk to care either.

He blinked. He blinked, and the dancing was gone. Fjord was still standing off to the side as he watched Jester and Caleb move across the floor. The music slowed, then stopped, and people clapped. He watched both Jester and Caleb smile, and that swimming feeling washed over him as his stomach lurched. Was it possible to miss a time, a memory, that hadn’t even happened? Could he mourn the loss of a body next to his that had never been there in the first place?

Fjord turned and left. He went up the stairs to find the first open privy so that he could empty the contents of his stomach. He wanted all that bile out of him. He wanted to sleep so that he could convince himself that it had been a dream, and that he hadn’t spent so long wondering what it might be like to feel Caleb so close to him. A nightmare of sinking under the waves was less cruel than that.

The floor was hard and cold. It was smooth enough from years of boots and shoes that the wood couldn’t splinter and dig into his skin. He was falling now. He was falling into the dark sleep that only being so completely drunk could give. He was losing time, losing memory, and maybe before he drifted off he heard Molly coming to find him so he could be dragged back to bed. A real bed. A real sleep. A real sleep with no conjured moments that made his chest ache.

Though the darkness seeped in from the corners of his vision and his body relaxed, he could still feel his feet moving. His could feel warmth against his chest and in his hand. He could smell wind and earth and fire and that slightly crisp and electric scent that came from magic. He could hear a soft laugh, one that was only meant for him, and a soft voice still counting to him in a language he didn’t understand. Fjord could see a smile. He could see blue eyes looking up at him, and a smile that had no traces of awkwardness in it. As the darkness crept in, he didn’t want to lose it.

_“You’re a good student. Even if I’m not the best teacher.”_

_“I might need another study session before too long. If, uh…if you think you might want to.”_

_“I think I do want, but maybe not in a field of corpses. It might ruin the mood.”_

And they would laugh, and that burning in his chest might stop.

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, this is officially a Thing now.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr! @sallyamongpoison


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